Where are you in my dreams …

18 Jun

As many of you know who read this blog, I lost my son, Evan, 14 years ago to meningococcal disease.  Losing a child is the very worst that can happen to a family.  Nothing is normal after that, but instead, you live with a “new normal.”  There are definitely happy times in the new normal, but everything is tempered by the person who isn’t there.  I have been at meetings where the economic loss of a child to meningococcal disease is quantified.  This does not make sense to me – there is no dollar value that can be put on the life of my child.  But even taking that number, for just my son’s life, doesn’t take into account the effect on the lives of the rest of the family.  I don’t get to see my son become a doctor, which was his dream.  I don’t see him get to be an uncle to his brother’s children.  I don’t get to hug him.  I don’t get to call him on the phone to say “I love you.”


After Evan first died, I would have nightmares in which Evan was dying, and I was trying to race to prevent this from happening.  I would wake up in a sweat, and realize it wasn’t just a dream, it was reality.  Occasionally, I would have a few dreams of Evan as an adult, and I would always wake up happy, because the visuals in the dream were comforting.  Those dreams became less frequent, and then I would have dreams of both of my boys as younger children.  Those were comforting also, because we just had the best time with the boys while they were growing up.  Now, in my dreams, Evan isn’t there anymore.  My dreams just have my younger son.  Why is this?  Is my sub-conscious erasing Evan from my dreams?  I am upset.  This disease has taken so much already, that can’t it allow me the comfort of a few dreams of both of my boys together?  I know the one place this disease will never take Evan away, and that is from my heart.


Economic, emotional, physical – this disease has wrought such a toll on my family.  Unfortunately, I am not the only family who has suffered like this.  I would like to hear from others, to see if their child is still in their dreams.

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